Speechless...

Last weekend we went to Kirbyville (Deep East Texas) and had a good time visiting with family. It was a decision made sort of on the spur of the moment. We haven't seen my grandmother on my dad's side of the family much lately. My grandfather had Alzheimer's and his physical condition declined for many years, which pretty much kept her close to home. He's been gone for almost 2 years now, but being almost 80, she doesn't travel much these days. With things being busy in our own lives, visits were few and far between.

Well, hindsight says the trip was worth it. She seemed happy to see us and thrilled to see Matthew. I think he was glad to see her too She gave him his birthday card, and he excitedly tore the envelope open and pointed to the characters on the card. That trip turns out to have been our last visit with Mamaw. My Aunt had been trying to call her today and was worried when there was no answer. She asked someone to go check on her and the report was that she was no longer with us. Whatever happened, I hope she went peacefully.

Shelly just keeps saying how surreal it is that we were just with her. In thinking about it, I guess I've been lucky. My Grandmother on my mothers side (Nana) died back in 2000. As luck would have it, I visited her in Kirbyville the week before she died.

ramblings from a wandering mind...

ok, this is just where I'm putting some things down that are floating around in my mind. I'm not sure if they are appropriate thoughts or not, but they are my thoughts regardless... (think of it as my sort of therapy for dealing with this)

It's always sad when someone dies after a very long, lingering illness. My Grandfather (Papaw) dies in December 2005 after a very long fight with Alzheimer's. That disease has to be the most cruel disease around. It's difficult on the person that has it for the first couple of stages, but after a point, they don't know anything anymore. Papaw didn't know any of us for the last couple of years, and seemed annoyed by us whenever we visited. I think he fell into the routine of every day life and was comfortable with it. When all of us visited, it was a disruption to him, and I'm sure very confusing to have a bunch of complete strangers (family members) filling up his house. I almost feel ashamed to admit it, but I didn't like to visit for the last several years because I was uncomfortable with it. It was hard to see him like that.

It's almost like people that linger on like that have outlived themselves, so to speak. Their body is going, but they (the person that they have been) is no longer present in the body. They are just a shell of themselves.

When I go, I hope it is in a similar fashion to how Mamaw went. Sure, she had her physical difficulties. She was almost 80. For the last few months, she had some aches and pains, but she still got around quite well. She had her wits about her. She was able to visit with all of us, and knew who we were. Yes, that's it. I want to leave this world physically before I've left mentally.

So, now the hard part. Grieving is not always an easy emotion for me. Maybe that's a guy thing. In the next day or 2, we'll load up and hit the road again. We'll all sort of go through that awkwardness together, getting together with relatives, not knowing quite what to say. Heck, I don't even know what I'm going to say to my dad when I talk to him tomorrow. Maybe I won't say anything. I just don't know. Even after all of this typing, I'm still sort of speechless...