The wait is over... (update from Chris)

It is finished...

These were the words of Jesus Christ as he died on the cross.
Cindy went home to be with Jesus at 10:17 this morning. Her final hours were comfortable and she died with me holding her hands. Dora and Linda (her mom and my mom) were there with her.

I know many of you will cry when you read this and I am crying as I write it. I have both deep sorrow and some relief. We lost a delightful, beautiful and wonderful wife, daughter, sister and friend. At the same time, the battle is over. I can picture Cindy getting to heaven and saying "Holy guacamole! This is great! What was I thinking?" I am sure that she was received into God's open arms in heaven with angels celebrating. Jesus came and died so that we will see her again someday.

A few weeks ago, Cindy and I agreed that this was a win-win situation. Paul said "To live is Christ and to die is gain". Cindy said that if she lived she would be forever changed, and if she died she will be in heaven.

Father God, thank You and praise You for Cindy. I am blessed to have loved her and made her my wife. Thank you for the time we had together. Thank you for having me there to walk her home. I am forever changed. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Logistics...
We will meet with the funeral home tomorrow morning and I will know more about the schedule then. Mom, Dad and I will stay with Dora until this afternoon. We have some things to do. I will post more details on the funeral tomorrow.

Update from Chris...

This man has my admiration for his unwavering faith and trust in God. I hope if faced with a similar situation my faith will be as true and strong as his.


Cindy woke up with me this morning. We prayed and she said amen. She still kisses and smiles. I didn't know if she would make it through the night.

No more visitors please...


Cindy is getting very weak and basic things take an extraordinary amount of effort. It takes a lot of effort for her to sit up and acknowledge someone. I told her that I was going to tell everyone that and she nodded "yes".

She has the hiccups again - sometimes for 30 minutes at a time. they hurt when she was in the hospital but they don't hurt now, they just make lots of noise. She sleeps through the hiccups, but I don't. It is strange to pray and ask for the hiccups to stop and ask for no more hiccups. She is not eating anymore - it just takes too much effort and hurts as it goes through her system. She is also not needing much medication anymore since there is little pain. We still give her schedule medication, but nothing else is needed.

God will take her soon. I don't know if that means today or in three days, but it will be soon.

She is ready to go.

For planning purposes, we will have a funeral at South Park cemetery in Pearland (on Hwy. 35 between Beltway 8 and 518). Obviously, we do not know which day it will be. I will try to schedule it in the afternoon around 3:00 p.m. We will not plan to have anything else by way of a viewing before or fellowship afterwards, so family and friends are free to get together in separate groups after the funeral. Thanks for understanding. This has been a difficult battle starting over 2 years ago.

Thanks for the prayers and food. It has all been wonderful and timely. I know I would not be as strong or as caring if I didn't have so many people lifting us up. With God's hand on us, we will make it through this storm and Cindy will be in heaven soon.

Update from Chris...

I debated whether or not to keep posting these updates, but I've asked you to pray for my friends, so I'm going to keep sharing them with you (feel free to sign up to receive the updates straight from the Care Page if you want to.)

Here is Chris's post from this morning:

Cindy slept most of the night last night. Praise God. I think we've got a medicine cycle that works for her. She is only coherent for a few minutes at a time and sleeps the rest of the time. Dora and I think she may leave us any time now. It could be a few hours or a few days. We don't know.

Thanks to everyone that has visited and offered food and rides and gifts. We appreciate it. I know Cindy sees them and appreciates them even if she cannot express it. We are limiting visits to family and very close friends and only a couple of people at a time and only a few times a day. Please forgive us if Cindy leaves before you get a chance to see her. We have so many friends and family, it will be impossible for everyone to visit. It is a blessing to know that Cindy touched so many people and had so many friends.

Cindy is uncomfortable with her body and being alive now. She says she doesn't know what to do with herself. She asks how she can make it go faster and asks for help. We have to tell her that there is nothing else we can do but wait. At the same time she wants to go, she doesn't want to leave me. We tell her it is OK to go when she is ready.

Father God, please make Cindy's passing comfortable and without fear. Please take her soon. Please send angels to help her go and give her a glimpse of heaven so she will want to follow them. Please pour out your grace and mercy on her. We love her and we do not want her to suffer any more. We love You and we trust You, God. In Jesus name. Amen.

another update from Chris...

I can't even begin to imagine how hard this week is and will be for Chris. These updates are dufficult for me to read, and post here without tearing up a little.

Here is Chris's latest update:

Yesterday was a bit of a circus. We woke up in a hospital room after a long and confusing night. Dora (Cindy's Mom) came to the hospital and shortly after that we talked to Dr. Murray. He explained the same thing that Dr. Gonzales explained the day before.

We are out of options for fighting the cancer. We can treat Cindy's pain and nausea at home through hospice care. We needed her to agree to a DNR order. Up until now, Cindy has always said she wanted to be kept alive so she can continue to fight. We explained to her that they don't have a liver machine. Dr. Murray explained that all a DNR (do not resuscitate) order means is that if she has an acute event (heart or breathing stops) that no ambulance would come and put a tube in her throat, beat on her chest or otherwise shock her body into working for a little while longer. He said that it would not be a good thing and they would have to do that That was a nice way to put it. The hospice care can get her home and comfortable, but then need a DNR order. Cindy agreed. We went home.

I should say that I realized yesterday what a hard job Dr. Murray and his staff have. That goes for Dr. Osborne and his staff at Baylor as well. I've been critical of them in the past - sometimes rightly so - but I have the utmost respect for them and their professions. They have to figure out a disease that nobody else has ever figured out. They have to give people drugs that are going to make them sick and may not work. They have to balance quality of life with quantity of life. Then they have to tell people on a regular basis that they are out of options. I could tell that Dr. Murray was very sad yesterday. He has a lot of those days.

I should also say that once we made those decisions, the staff at MDA and the hospice agency moved quickly. They got her pain meds and sent her home a couple of hours after that. I know that things can move slowly in a hospital and I thank God for things moving quickly yesterday.

My mom and dad came to Houston yesterday. They will help us through this. Thank you to all of our family, friends and church family for prayers and visits and wanting to help.

Because I've been asked for it, here is a link to the Care Page that Chris updates regularly for Cindy. Because Chris and Cindy appreciate all of the prayers offered on their behalf, they have made this page and the information contained in it public.

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/CindyBrown/updates/1765380

You will need to create a sign in, but it is secure, so you won't be a part of some crazy mailing list. If it asks you for the name of the Care Page you are looking to join, the name would be CindyBrown (no spaces). If you have any trouble, leave me a comment and I'll see what I can do to help you gain access.

Update, not the news we were hoping and praying for...

Many of you will remember my post on October 10th about a friend of ours, Cindy, that has cancer. In the last month, Chris has been turning over every stone he can to help Cindy continue the fight after her doctor gave up and said he was out of options. In the last month, Cindy has had 2 operations, one to put a stint in her kidney, and one last week to put a catheter in her liver.

They located, applied for, and were accepted to take part at a clinical trial at a hospital in San Antonio, with plans to begin last week. When they did all of their lab work, her creatinine levels were too high to begin. Potassium and sodium levels were also low. She was sent home with some instructions on things to do to try to get the levels within an acceptable range to start the trial this week.

This is an update I received from Chris this morning (he posted it last night):

My heart is very heavy tonight. Cindy is not doing well and getting worse. Today was perhaps the most difficult day of my life. I know there are at least a few more difficult days ahead.

Cindy was confused last night so we called San Antonio to see what they said. We took her off the morphine and had her drink some water and eat a little. If it was medication, it should get better. She woke up this morning more confused. Confusion (dementia) is not usually good news for a cancer patient. We went to the emergency room at M.D. Anderson and they admitted her.

Some good news - the CT scans of her head and chest were OK. Her heart is OK.

Bad news - her liver and kidneys are not doing well. Her ammonia is very high. Her bilirubin is higher than it has been - even after we had the catheter put in. Her creatinine is higher - indicating poor kidney function. Her sodium is dangerously low. She is weak, confused, in pain and nauseated.

We won't be going to San Antonio for a clinical trial. M.D. Anderson wants her to stay in the hospital tonight so they can try to get her ammonia levels down and sodium levels up to alleviate the confusion. They will start paliative care - which treats the symptoms like nausea, pain and confusion - and recommended hospice care starting tomorrow at home.

Hospice care. I thought I was prepared for today. Cindy is going to die - at least according to M.D. Anderson and Baylor. She was very close to dying when we brought her in this morning. Cindy doesn't want to stop fighting, but we don't have any options left. They said she has days left. They wouldn't say how many. My impression is not many.

She still smiles when I wink at her. I love her more than anything. This is definitely the hardest day of my life.


At this point, we're still praying for a miracle for Cindy, but Chris could use a little extra boost himself. I don't think anyone is ever really prepared to lose a spouse, but having to prepare while still in your prime has to be almost impossible to face.

This isn't supposed to happen, not to people I know...

Today was a rough day for me. I'm just a bystander, not even involved. I can't imagine how Chris and Cindy are feeling right now. Chris and Cindy are friends of ours. They go to our church and are in our Sunday School Class. Chris has gone on the men's retreats with us each of the last 2 years (Weekends of the HAM).

Cindy has breast cancer. I didn't really understand that at first until I heard the story. I THOUGHT she had liver cancer until Chris told the whole story. Cindy had breast cancer a few years ago and through treatment and surgery came through. About 2 years ago, they found a tumor on her liver, some on her shoulder, and a couple of spots on her spine. They have been aggressive with treatments, and things were looking better, until earlier this year. Some drugs didn't work as well, new drugs were tried, hair was lost, and things were difficult. I knew some of this, but not much.

Perhaps I should have inquired how things were going more often. I sort of feel like a not so good friend. I didn't know how bad things were getting until Chris asked us for prayer late last week because things were getting worse. I got an e-mail this afternoon telling about their visit with the oncologist today. My friend's wife is dying. Dying. That is hard to get your arms around. They are our age. Mid 30's and so much life SHOULD be ahead of them. Apparently the doctors are giving up. Let that sink in. You are 36 years old with cancer, and you are not through living yet, but the doctors in the city with the largest medical center in the world tells you to consider hospice. Follow that up with a nurse that indicates you have weeks, not months.

I just told Shelly that I hope and pray (selfishly) that I'm not in that position. Please pray for healing for Cindy. Please pray for Chris. Here is a guy just a couple of years into marriage with a beautiful woman facing the prospect of being left alone, and quickly at that. Please pray for the guys that surround Chris, that we would be able to relate to him and provide support and friendship, even in the face of something that we in no way can relate to.

I'm sorry this post isn't the usual fun post, and is sort of rambling, but loss is something that I have a hard time relating to and knowing how to handle. It's tough to know a friend is suffering and not know exactly how to relate to them. Perhaps just showing up and not doing anything other than being there for them is good enough?