Embarrassing moments...

Was just discussing embarrassing moments a little while ago with some co-workers. They reminded me of one such moment, right after I started working here.

I had probably been working here 2 or 3 months at the most. Still on my best behavior trying to figure out everyone. The 2 female co-workers at that time were talking about bowling and the fact that they were in a weekly bowling league. I mentioned that I took bowling as one of my PE requirements in college, and that the instructor was really big on form. So, I went to demonstrate my form. Start holding the ball out in front of you on the right side of your body, Swing the ball back as you step off with your left foot. A couple more steps, swing the ball forward, and release.

All good, right? Well, as I swing my arm / hand forward, one of the ladies sort of backed up and turned... And I ended up with a hand-full of her behind. I'm not sure who was startled more. Me with a hand full, or the lady that had just been goosed. The shades of red I turned that day are still talked about today. It's safe to say that if I EVER demonstrate my bowling form again, I will make darn sure that the path is clear...


And, my most embarrassing moment:

I think I was in 9th grade. Our church youth group went from Lafayette, LA to a camp in the TX Hill Country out near Leakey. On the way home, we stopped in Beaumont for dinner. When passing through Orange, a familiar rumble started forming. Nature was calling. This was back before answering machines were common, so there was no taking a message. This was a call that was going to need to be answered. The only problem was that the bus driver didn't want anyone using the bathroom in his bus. Sure, that's a good decision with 40 kids and an 8-10 hour trip. Because he didn't want the bathroom used, he didn't put any chemicals in the tank.

Well, as we approached the LA border, I went to the front of the bus and told the driver I needed for him to stop at the rest area. He told me no. I pleaded with him that it was sort of important. He refused again, to the point of arguing with me that I should have gone 30 minutes back and that I would just have to hold it the 2 hours until we got home. I DID go back in Beaumont. I needed to go AGAIN. He passed the rest area, and I did the only thing I could do. I told him that he would be sorry because I was going back to the john, and that's exactly what I did.

Let's just say that a week's work of camp meals were searching for the emergency exit at the same time. The fumes were terrible. Unimagineable is a word that comes to mind to describe the stench. Did I mention that it was the middle of the summer and the A/C had also gone out on the bus? It was THAT bad. People screamed. People cried. A few people got sick and puked. People banged on the bathroom door. People were a little mad (some were A LOT mad) at me, but there wasn't much I could do.

After the shock & awe campaign was over, the bus driver pulled over on the side of the interstate. Amazingly, he had the toilet chemicals in the storage bay under the bus. Once he added the chemicals and we got going again, the smell went away. BUT, the damage was done. What I would label as the most embarrassing moment of my life had happened. Any trip after that, if I so much as looked at the bathroom on a bus trip, my friends were sure to question my intentions To this day, that single event is the one that tells people which camp trip they are talking about.

There were many more moments, just none that bad. Does anyone have another they care to remind me of?

Does anyone want to share one of their own?

Feel free to post up in the comments.

Awwww nuts...

It has been a while since the last post. Not much major going on, just being lazy.

So, what prompted me to post now? Well, something pretty funny happened yesterday that I thought was blog worthy.

So, on Wednesday Matthew complained that his "naked" hurt. That's what he calls his junk.. Thinking it was just some sort of surface irritation, I got out the Neosporin, put some on his finger and told him to rub that on where it hurt. He got dressed and I dropped him off at school like usual.

Wednesday evening, I picked him up from after school care and noticed he was walking a little funny. I asked him what was going on and he told me his "naked" still hurt. I figured another round of ointment that evening would take care of things and thought nothing of it.

After dinner, I put the boys in the bath tub and noticed that Matthew's sack was quite red. My first thought was that maybe he got his underwear wet at some point while going to the bathroom and had just managed to rub it raw. But upon closer inspection (and believe me, as a straight man, even inspecting my own kids junk is sort of uncomfortable), I noticed it was pretty swollen on one side. Then I checked and the right nut was more than double the size of the left.

Houston, we have a problem....

So, I had Shelly finish the bath while I called my father-in-law. He's a veterinarian, but still gives pretty good human medical advice. He suggested a visit to the doctor Thursday morning would be in order.

SO, Shelly took him to the doc, got an ultrasound ($455 out of pocket), and was declared to have an infection that should clear up with some antibiotics. All good right? They then came and met me for lunch at Willie's Ice House, where Shelly showed me the picture. Couldn't tell much other than a color ultrasound picture that listed right and left testis.

Fast forward to last night (Thursday night). Shelly called me after work and told me that she thought we left the picture on the table at Willie's. Crap. A picture of balls left at the restaurant. And she wanted me to call and see if the picture was still there and go get it.

So, I called the restaurant. When the girl answered the phone, I told her that I was in there eating lunch with my family and we left an ultrasound picture on the table. I expected that she would have to put me on hold and ask around. She didn't have to. With almost a laugh in her voice, she said yes, they had the picture. And then she transferred me to the manager.

OK, think about what this means for a minute....

The hostess knew about the picture being found 6 hours earlier, likely before her shift started...

Likely everyone on the WHOLE staff had passed around the picture of some poor dude's balls. And I was a guy calling about it. And then I was going to be the guy coming in to pick it up...

THIS WHOLE JOINT IS GOING TO THINK I'M THE GUY WHOSE JEWELS THEY LOOKED AT!!!!

Even worse, this is a restaurant in my regular rotation.

Needless to say, I went and picked it up, everyone around within earshot when I asked for the picture seemed to be sort of snickering.

I think it will be a while before I go back there again...

The apple doesn't fall far...



This last weekend was a busy weekend for out little family. I started Saturday morning doing a few "guy" errands. The truck needed to be inspected and it needed new tires. From there I went down to get a pedicure, or as my blog buddy Wreggie calls it, "Foot Detailing."

OK, I'm a manly man as much as the next guy. I always had my ideas about the types of guys getting pedicures. Yeah, I'm sure THOSE guys get them also while they are getting their manicures. The difference is that I don't get pink polish on my toes...

Let me tell you, this pedicure was something special. After the toe treatment, leg massage, and foot massage, she did a hot stone massage on my legs and feet. At some point after that, I had each foot in a plastic bag filled with hot wax, a hot moist towel wrapped around each leg, and she was giving me a shoulder massage. Oh, yeah, I'm going back there again.

After all of that, I came crashing back into reality by going refrigerator shopping.


So, we're all in Sears checking out the refrigerators. Jonathan is in a buggy. (Shopping cart for the Yankees reading). Matthew is keeping him entertained near where we were looking at the fridges with the salesman. At one point, Shelly and I went one aisle over to check out one more model, and I walked into a cloud. It wasn't me, that much I was sure of.

Of course, being the amazing husband that I am, and because Shelly had not already blamed me, I asked her if it was her. Well, not exactly. I blamed her. The salesman wasn't on that aisle, so it was just us. And this was an adult sized cloud. She took offense at the mere insinuation that she had ever farted at any time, much less in public. It was then that I realized that my 2 boys were a few feet away, quietly playing with their toys (Jonathan still in the buggy, Matthew still right next to him).

I asked Matthew if he had tooted. He smiled.... He KNEW it was a good one.... No doubt, that boy is DEFINITELY my son.

About that time, the salesman was coming around one end of the aisle, and I beat a path around the other side with the boys. I don't think Shelly ever realized why I walked back around the corner, or what had happened. All I know is that the salesman entered the cloud, and the kids and I were gone, with just Shelly left within his sight...

Poor girl, I don't know how she puts up with me.

Lions & Tigers & Guns, OH, MY!

A little while back I was ready one of those "Mommy Blogs". You know the kind. Same as mine, but written by a woman and talks about all of the cute crap their kids do. On second thought, not much like mine at all. My kids are cute, but that stuff isn't nearly as funny as when they crash and burn and prove to my parents that I'm getting exactly what they said I had coming to me.

Anyway, the subject of this blog was GASP guns in the home. Or more specifically, guns in other people's homes - because guns were evil and the blog author would never have such dangerous stuff in her house. The question was about asking friends parents if they had guns in their home before allowing their precious little children to go over there to play. Hilarity ensued in the comments. It's been a while, but here are paraphrases of the typical replies:

I would NEVER allow my child to go to a home that had guns in it...

If I knew the family, I MIGHT allow it, but I would want to know where all of the guns were, and I would want to know that the guns were in a locked room, inside a locked safe, and with trigger locks installed, and the ammo stored in a separate locked container in a separate locked room.

etc, etc...

Are you friggin KIDDING me?

Here are my thoughts...

It's none of your dang business if I have guns in my house. If you are going to let your kid come to my house, you either trust me to watch your children or you don't. If you trust me, then that's all there is to it. If you don't, it doesn't really matter what is in my house, does it? In that case, that's why Chick-fil-a has a play room. Our kids can play together while we have our chicken and sweet tea.

Seriously, to me a weapon is similar to an alarm system. If it is in my home, then it could be here for protection. Maybe I'm paranoid, but personal protection is just that, PERSONAL. I wouldn't give anyone the details of my security system, so why would I tell them where my stuff is and how it is secured? Give me a little credit. I have little kids also. My kids LOVE to find stuff. The love to play with what they find. Do you really think I would endanger my kids? Give me a little credit here and trust that I'm a responsible adult.

As far as the question about if I keep loaded guns around... As far as you are concerned, if I have any guns - not that I do - they are ALL loaded. C'mon, that's the first rule of gun safety. Treat ALL guns as if they are loaded until you prove otherwise.

I have to say that so far we've never been asked. If I'm asked, I'll politely decline to answer the question. If they can't accept that I consider it a private matter, so be it.

Anyone have any thoughts to share? Anyone think I'm a fool and want to tell me that? I can handle it.

Random thoughts and ramblings...

I'm assembling a play system in the backyard for my boys. The instructions say 16-20 hours construction time. I have 35-40 man hours in it, a good portion of that is in sorting and labeling hardware and lumber. I'm not even half finished.

I'm 37 years old. Why was tonight the first time I've ever had mango sorbet? Have I really wasted all these years eating ice cream when I could have had this stuff? I think we're adding it to the regular weekly grocery list.

Tonight I was doing the dishes and heard music coming through the monitor from Jonathan's bedroom. "Won't you take me to Funkytown..." He's not even 2. The Lackey's... Keeping things interesting since...

I cooked dinner tonight. I cook dinner most nights. I do it because I like my cooking best. Shelly is a good cook. I'm better.

I am also better at ironing.

The stupidest thing I EVER did was let Shelly know I knew how to iron. Around our house, if you do something well enough, it becomes your job.

I watch more TV shows now than I've ever watched. I discovered Comcast On Demand, now I generally watch them on there without commercials. I can watch a week's worth of shows in 3-4 hours, when it is convenient for me. Bullrun, Celebrity Apprentice, and Pawn Stars are my favorites.

I like the feeling of satisfaction I get when I finish cutting the grass and see how good the freshly cut yard looks, but I hate actually cutting the grass.

I really enjoy blogging, but sometimes it seems that Facebook makes it harder to blog.

Cold Busted...

This evening, Shelly and I took the kids to dinner at iHop, followed by an outing to Target.

While we were at Target, there was a guy holding a baby and standing near a lady that I presumed to be his wife (or "baby momma"). I'm not sure what the conversation was, but at one point, he turned around and looked in the direction of a lady walking the other direction, wearing high heels and short shorts Not sure what he was looking at. Maybe it was the baby in the stroller she was pushing? Or the old lady with her?

Anyway, his significant other must have noticed him looking that direction, and said sort of tersely, "You want me to take the baby so you can go with her?"

Friends, that dude had just been cold busted. Made worse by me busting out laughing. I had to take a quick duck into the next aisle. That woman seemed a little testy, and I sure wasn't up to being clobbered by some post partum anger...

I told Shelly what had just happened, wondering if she was going to say the guy got what he had coming. She shocked me with her reply... "Sounds like someone has a little issue with insecurity..." Yep, I guess so. Either way, I was there in the right place at the right time to see the show.

Weekend of the HAM, take 3...

A couple of weeks ago, I hosted a group of guys at the ranch. Our Sunday School class from church typically has a guy's weekend every Spring, and this year, we went out to the ranch. Turnout was better than expected, with 25 guys heading out there with us.

The weekend was pretty much everything you would expect when you have a group of 25 men together in a remote place with ATV's, 4wd trucks, and enough firepower to takeover a 3rd world country. We ate like kings, got almost no sleep, and would do it again next weekend if we thought we could get away with it.

One of the guys compiled a Top 10 list of phrases heard over the course of the weekend. Keep in mind, there were other phrases, but these are the best that are able to be shared with all ages...

10. This is the skinny man's couch
9. I was forced to use "Plan B"
8. Papa Williams just called... !Blayton!!!
7. What were you going to do with those cows?
6. You are Jonah! You are a Big Shot!
5. What are you talking about? This is my wife's gun.
4. It's supposed to sound like a train. Does that sound like a train?
3. That's what she said.
2. Impressive!
1. ?!?Can we shoot it?!?

Called to generosity, or a couple of big suckers?

Sometimes I don't feel like the most generous person. Living in the 4th largest city in the nation, we see our share of panhandlers. You see so many of them that you sort of become hardened towards people in need (or those professing a need - there IS a difference).

You get to the point that you are skeptical and assume everyone is a freeloader until proven otherwise. MOST of the time, you are well served with that assumption. Other times there is just something that tugs at you.

In the last couple of months there have been a couple of instances where I just felt lead to help someone. The first one was a little while back while I was putting gas in the car. A guy approached me and told me he had lost his job and needed a little gas money to make it through. OK, now I'm not a complete sucker. I don't give cash. My feeling is that I trust God to watch over the situation and to bless my generosity. I let him deal with the person and provide consequences if they are less than truthful.

In that situation, I told the guy that I didn't have cash, but if he really needed a little gas, he could pull up to the pump and I'd help him out with a few bucks worth of gas. He pulled up and I activated the pump. Feeling like living life on the edge, I wished him well and told him I would trust him to stop the pump at $10. He seemed genuinely thankful for the gift he was given, thanked me profusely, and I left. It worked out that time. He stopped the pump at $10. My thought is that a con man would have tanked up and cost me $50.

Shelly and I are NOT wealthy, but we do seem to be able to make ends meet. We don't give to everyone that comes asking, but sometimes you just get a little extra tug that tells you to do something.

Tonight was one of those nights. We went to Willie's Ice house for dinner. Nothing fancy, just a local burger type place that is kid friendly. Because of my birthday, I had a coupon for a free entree with the purchase of another entree and a couple of sodas. After we ate dinner, the boys and I were in the little video game room while Shelly finished her dinner and got the check taken care of. As we were preparing to leave, I noticed that the table that had been empty next to us was now occupied by a middle-aged black lady and a boy a little older than my boys, maybe 10 or so.

As we were driving away heading towards a gas station to fill the truck up, Shelly told me that the lady apparently had a coupon similar to mine and she and the boy had ordered just one entree. She overheard the waitress tell the lady that the coupon was only good for a free entree when you bought another. The lady quietly explained something to the waitress, and the waitress left to go see the manager. Basically, they had no money, and the lady was trying to feed the boy something. That manager had come by our table a few times during the night, and was obviously a caring guy, and he agreed to honor the coupon without a purchase requirement. The waitress even kicked in a cup of coffee on her dime for the lady.

The lady had leaned over to Shelly and told her that if we needed our house cleaned or a babysitter for the kids, she was low on money and could use some work. Well, we already have a cleaning service and daycare, so she thanked the lady for the offer, but told her we just didn't need those services. She didn't ask for money, she asked for work. As we were talking, we both knew we should do something, we just didn't know what we should do.

Well, when you are willing, God will give you ideas. As I was pumping gas at the Kroger gas station, it hit me. We would get some Kroger gift cards and go back and give them to the lady. If they are short on food money, that's a way we could give something useful without giving cash. I asked Shelly to go in and get $50 in cards and we would give them to the lady. The question was, What if they are already gone? Will they still be there? My belief is that God calls us to be willing. He will work the rest out. Shelly one-upped me. She bought $45 (they sell them in increments of $15), PLUS $15 in McDonald's cards that Kroger also sold. This lady was about to get hooked-up.

As we drove there, I told Shelly again that I just felt like we were being challenged to be willing. I had told God while I was standing at that pump that I would trust him and would be generous, but that if I gave generously, I hoped he would "pre-qualify" the recipient. If she was truly needy, they would still be there when we went back.

We headed back to Willie's with the gift cards in hand, and when we got there, they were already gone. We drove through the parking lot and went to the apartment complex that she had told Shelly they lived in, made a lap around it, and never saw them.

I told Shelly that it sure was disappointing to be willing to give something away, and in the end to not be able to. But, in the end, I feel like God challenged us to be WILLING to help. Hopefully he found us to have been willing and to have faithfully answered the call. We put those gift cards in the console of the truck, and hopefully one day soon we are able to give them cheerfully to someone in need.

Oh, and while the boys and I were in the truck waiting for Shelly to buy the cards, I got to give Matthew a little bit of a lesson in helping those less fortunate than ourselves. Hopefully one of these days he will understand.

Just a side note, I've noticed lately that we are surrounded by others who are also quite generous. Last week, I planned a men's retreat for the guys in our Sunday School class. We ended up with 25 guys out at the ranch. It was quite fun, but there was a price of admission to cover food and incidentals. Very reasonable at $25. What really touched me was that I was contacted by 2 of the guys in the class and asked to send notes out to guys that were not going and let them know that if times were rough and the cost was an issue, that I had extra money to cover them. These 2 guys are known only to me, and they asked to remain anonymous. They don't even know about each other making similar offers. Sure, this wasn't grocery money or anything serious like that, but it was still a big deal to me that these guys were willing to give of their excess to make sure one of their brother's didn't miss out on being a part of something over a few bucks. That's what it is all about.

I could go on and on about the anonymous gifts given to help people participate in mission trips, the donation a relative of mine made to someone here in my church that they had never met to help them after Hurricane Ike, etc, etc, but you get what I'm saying.

Basically, Shelly and I answered the challenge laid on us. Now, I'm issuing a challenge to you. Keep a look out, and be prepared, you never know when you will come across someone that you are able to provide a true blessing to. Trust me, it will mean MUCH more to them than it will cost you monetarily.

Please take a minute to post a comment telling how you were able to help someone out.

You tell 'em, son...

I bought a new smoker this week. After getting it set up Thursday night, I oiled down the inside of it and lit a fire to complete the seasoning process. An overnight burn and smoke and it was ready for today.

Last night I trimmed, rubbed, and saran wrapped 4 pork shoulders, 2 racks of ribs, and a brisket. This morning I woke up early to take the meat out of the cooler, light the fire, and get things rolling. By 8AM, we were smoking.

By about 1PM I had burned through a wagon full of oak wood and was part of the way through the mesquite wood. It was evident that I needed a little more wood, so I stoked the fire and Matthew and I headed to Academy for another big batch of mesquite wood.

We went in the store, made our purchase, and headed back to the truck. As we were getting in, Nature called. Person-to-person. Collect. This was a call I had to take immediately, so we went back into the store and made tracks for the back corner behind the shoe section. Why are the restrooms in stores always the farthest point in the store from where you are when you get the call?

As we're heading in, I decide that we'll take the handicap stall and Matthew can just wait while I finish. But, he decided he also had to go, so I hit the stall and he hits the urinals. I told him to come with me when he finished. Yeah, like a 5 yr old listens to what you tell him. He finishes, washes his hands, and uses 4 or 5 cycles of the air dryer.

I was just about to tell him to get his butt in the stall with me when someone else came in. Ok, guy code is no talking in the john. I can't yell at the kid from the stall while someone else is in there. He's just hanging out while this other guys does his business, and then leaves, after which Matthew opens the door and calls after him "Hey, you forgot to wash your hands!!!" I wish I had been in the shoe section of the store to see that guy's reaction... The guy didn't come back in, so somewhere in the store was a guy with unwashed hands.

I finished up and we left - greeted by a few smiles from the people milling about the shoe section. Yes, I did remember to wash my hands.

A lump in my throat and a tear in my eye...

Most of the folks that read this blog are friends of mine. Maybe we grew up together, maybe we go to church together, or maybe you are related to me. I'm not generally a guy that has an easy time showing emotions. I haven't always been that way, but these days emotions are not always easy for me. I think this blog is probably a good way for me to actually convey feelings. Writing isn't something I do often, but when I take the time, it comes fairly easily - most of the time.

So, what happened tonight to stir me to write?

This was like almost any other night. I met Shelly and the kids in town after work to run a few errands and have dinner. We were sitting in a booth in Chili's next to a window overlooking a parking lot. This was the community college parking lot at I-10 and the Beltway, so it is sort of a major crossroads in town.

While we were eating, I noticed a lady pull up next to the curb and get out of her car, just outside the window from us. Parked a little farther down the curb was a man in a car with 2 young boys, not much older than my 2 sons. The man and boys got out of the car, and the man hugged the boys. The lady stayed by her car and called the boys to her. The boys trudged to the car, and after what appeared to be a little bit of bickering, they got in the car. I looked and noticed neither parent was wearing a ring on their left hand.

We had just witnessed "the hand-off." It struck me how sad each one of these 4 people looked. Sure, they were normal, well-dressed people, but they just looked sad.

A couple of weeks ago, Shelly and I went through a marriage conference, and of course, you hear the statistic that 50% of all first marriages end in divorce.

Here is where this story turns even more personal for me.

The statistics are even more dismal for a 2nd marriage.

My friends that I grew up with know that Shelly is not my first wife. Many of my Houston friends will probably be shocked by this. I know, it's just not something that I talk about very often. The reasons for the first split aren't really important. Nothing earth-shattering like a Tiger Woods story, just 2 people that jumped into something that everyone around them said should have a little more thought put into it. Lessons learned, and 2nd chances provided by God's grace and goodness.

When I married Shelly, I committed that things would be different this time. Next month we'll celebrate 9 years of honoring that commitment. I'm VERY happy about that.

So, what about that scene unfolding outside the restaurant? Why did it move me so much? I'll tell you, it was just a reminder of the consequences of a Mom and Dad that don't stick it out for the long-haul. Sure, the parent's will get over it (maybe), but those 2 little boys broke my heart. Shelly and I are a normal married couple. The stresses of life sometimes put a strain on things. Most days are great, and some days are tough. Seeing those 2 sad looking little boys just served as a reminder that NOTHING that we go through is worth breaking the hearts of MY two little boys.

Right there over my smoked chicken tacos, I told God that I was going to double-down and make sure I was the best husband and father to my family that I can be.

Sorry that this is sort of a rambling post, it is just what was on my heart and mind, and I wanted to put my thoughts "on paper".

Any of the readers have any other thoughts to share? Feel free.