On the road again...

Tonight we are packing once again. Cousin Eric is getting married this weekend in Dallas, so we are going to head out early tomorrow morning.

Dang, I sure am getting tired of all of this packing, driving, etc. I was looking at the calendar this morning, and since mid-march, we've will have been to Dallas 3 times, the ranch 3 times, and East TX once. That's a BUNCH of gasoline and miles on the trucks. Thankfully our traveling days are about over, and we get to stay home until the fall.

Stay tuned over the next couple of days. I should have internet access to be able to post from Dallas. There WILL be some sort of pranking going on over the weekend that will need to be reported.

Report from Memorial Day...

Sorry I've been sort of lazy about posting for the last week. It's been a sort of short week made a little hectic by a sick kid. Add in laundry, grass cutting, and working late, and the time seems to be gone.

The ranch was pretty much as expected over the weekend. WET. But there are enough toys there to make that fun. We have a couple of ATV's and a 4wd Nissan Pathfinder. Tommy and I took the ATV's out with the intention of making some mud trails around a 10 acre patch of oats. Imagine 10 acres of grass about a foot tall, with an inch or so of standing water, making some soft mud. Here are some of the pics...

Needless to say, once we hit the mud, the suppressed teenager in us came out. Instead of making trails, we had a mud war. You gun the engine and spin the back wheels, making a pretty good rooster-tail of mud. Spin the ATV a little and get the back end pointed at your target, and cover them with said rooster-tail of mud.

I haven't had that much fun in years. Needless to say, the wives (after laughing at us) had to hose us off before we could go back into the house to get cleaned up. I think I'm still pulling mud out of my ears.

Man, Holiday weekends out of town sure are nice. We had a good time with good friends. Tommy picked up some excellent beef, I brought in some deer sausage, and the caretaker gave us a pile of fresh veggies from the garden. Shelly took a humongous yellow squash, fresh off the plant, sliced it, and fried it. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Add in a brand new skeet thrower, several hundred rounds of ammo (I promise we're not rednecks - okay, maybe just a little), and it's a weekend to remember.

Makes one thankful for all of the guys around the world putting themselves on the line to make such fun possible.

Heading to the ranch...

As the holiday weekend is upon us, we are planning for our annual Memorial Day weekend at the ranch. We typically don't go back out there again until Labor Day or so due to the heat. Of course, $3+ per gallon gasoline also tends to keep you from making too many summer trips out there.

This is going to be a pretty good weekend. My friend Tommy and his family are joining us this weekend. In fact, they went out this morning. The bonus for me is that Tommy has already picked up all of the groceries and has everything set up, so all we have to do is just show up. Imagine that... We're the hosts, but someone else has done all of the work. I'm definitely going to have to make sure they get invited back again.

According to the news and the guy that is our ranch hand of sorts, the place is REALLY wet again. It rained on Tommy and Joanna ALL day today, and it's 50% or better all weekend. When it's wet out there, things are REALLY muddy. With all of the toys we have there, (ATV's, 4wd, tractors, etc), we should be in for some fun. I wonder how many of the items we will get stuck and have to pull out of the mud? The last time there, I almost lost my Tahoe in the lake, so you never know what might happen. Check back in a few days, maybe there will be some pictures.

I hope you all have a safe holiday weekend.

New Movie Theatre...

Shelly works for a local company that does some development of various real-estate stuff. Last night we were able to attend the preview night of a new movie theatre here in town. Basically that means you get in free and are given free sodas and popcorn, then watch a movie that is now available for rental on dvd. As we never go to movies, this was a treat to get to take Matthew to see Charlotte's Web at no cost. We had several tickets, so Shelly's friends J and K went with us.

Not bad at all. It's not often you get to be the first to sit in a seat in a movie theatre.

Yes, since you are wondering, I did "break in" my chair.

Even funnier, J said she did to...

Shelly just can't take us anywhere...

Sales calls...

So, we're eating dinner tonight and the phone rings. Shelly looks at the little caller id screen and hands it to me. It's a random 888 number with no name. Heh, heh, heh - I'm about to have some fun... It's someone calling on behalf the stupid Honda dealership (see earlier post). Get this - they wanted to know why I didn't buy a car from them last Saturday. Oh yeah, this call may be recorded for quality purposes.

Well, they got a recording. Maybe because I wasn't planning to buy a car!!! If the guy or the manager had bothered listening to me... Note to sales guys - the first lesson in sales school is to listen to your customer. Next lesson, after listening, figure out who is a prospect and who is a suspect. Seeing how the first thing I told this guy that I was not a current prospect, he failed 2 questions at once. Idiot.

To top it all off, the sales guy had left a message on the machine today asking me to call him so he could tell me about some specials they have this week. Idiot.

I knew I shouldn't have given the guy my phone number.

Fortune Cookies (Cont'd)...

Stupid fortune cookies.

Fortune Cookies...

Today I went to lunch at Pei Wei. I tried to be good and go to Jason's deli, but the line was too long for a sandwich, so I went a couple of doors down to Pei Wei.

I wiped out an order of Mongolian Beef. The meal comes with either white or brown steamed rice. Ok, to this southern guy, rice is white, so no brown rice for me. But, brown rice is healthier. What to do? Well, it turns out that they make their fried rice (extra cost upgrade) with the brown rice. Dilemma solved - it's healthy since it is made with brown rice.

Of course, you have to finish off the meal with a fortune cookie or four. Everyone knows the fortune cookie deal. You add the words "in bed" or "between the sheets" to the end for the REAL message. I got in the truck and headed back to the office. On the way back, I started opening my fortune cookies. That's when the trouble started...

The first one said "This is a night for love and affection" Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I don't even need to add the "in bed" behind that one.

The second one said "Endurance and persistence will be rewarded". Man, these people are GOOD. I'm going to have to eat at Pei Wei more often. Endurance, huh? I better get some of that Cialis I wrote about a couple of nights ago...

The third one said "You will soon be surrounded by good friends and laughter". WHAT? Forget the "in bed" part on this one. That's not how we roll. You guys are welcome to come over, but you better wait until tomorrow. If the first two fortunes are correct, tonight is booked solid.

more from my loyal readers... (continued from yesterday)

Here is a part of the e-mail I referred to with yesterday's post:

I want to know how your brother has so many interesting things in his life to write about. mine would be so boring. woken up by children, got in shower, got dressed, broke up a fight, struggled to dress children, went to McD's, broke up another fight, about to pull out my hair, went home, fight number 3, more hair pulling, no household chores finished so far, more fighting more hair pulling, wonder what to make for dinner, fighting, hair pulling, order Chinese, watch kids make a mess with food, clean up tomorrow, fighting, hair pulling, adult beverage, fight over who is taking a shower first, struggle with who is brushing their teeth first, girl child stalling to go to sleep, boy child wanting to watch TV, finally some quiet time but too tired to do anything but sleep, start all over again.

Holy Cow, I see nothing boring in that series of events, but I did make one observation:

I think I see your problem.... You waited too long for that adult beverage, and then you only had one.

Inspiration for the uninspired...

Apparently I have a couple of loyal readers out there. I think there are exactly 3 of you, maybe 4 if you count the person who has multiple personalities. I was told today that someone is wondering how I have so many interesting things happen to me that I can write so much on here. The answer is - I'm not sure. I guess I'm just a nut, and have a twisted view that allows me to see the humor in some rather mundane events - like the random telemarketer call. I'm going to blame my grandfather for part of that, I know I get it from him. He's the 80 year old guy with 5 girlfriends at last count - stretching between Texas and Georgia. Stay tuned, I'll be seeing him in a couple of weeks, and I'm sure there will be a couple of stories to tell about that weekend.

Of course, the person who asked this question happens to have a myspace page, which I just looked at. The tag line is something about having large breasts. Hmmm, gotta be a story hidden there somewhere. I then read this person's husband's myspace page. About halfway down the comments page it said something about him wearing a pink bathrobe... Ok, seriously, there are probably multiple stories in that one. It seems that your life is probably way more interesting than mine. Write about how your husband came to wear a pink bathrobe. After looking at his pictures and seeing one in particular, I have my suspicions (apparently shared by a guy called Crash). You might want to check this out. Ok, you know I'm just yanking your chain. Sort of.

See there, it's pretty easy. Until I talked to Staci tonight, I was pretty much drawing a blank.

I will promise that there will be some funny stories coming in the next week or so. My friend Tommy and his family are heading to the ranch with us for the holiday weekend. There is no telling what will happen. At least the wives will be there to bail us out of jail when it's all over.

Bob and Larry go to the Zoo...

We headed out to the zoo late this morning. The Houston zoo is ok by most standards. There are enough animals that Matthew thinks it's pretty good. Since we watch "Madagascar" almost as much as we watch Veggie Tales, Matthew knows some of the animals. When we went through the gate, we asked him who he wanted to see first. He wanted to see Alex (the lion in the movie). We went and "Alex" was actually walking around a little. We saw all of them.

The funniest part was some sort of South American cow. The look like a Longhorn, but the horns are much larger (thicker). In keeping with the Veggie tale, deal, we told Matthew that they were Cebu (see http://www.youtube.com/v/nZsltdm97vE for the explanation of the Cebu deal). He seemed happy. Man, being a parent is fun. You can tell your kids anything and they believe you.

"Next Blog" button...

One source of entertainment for me is to look at random blogs of other people. I have a few that I read regularly, but I read others by using the "next blog" button. Man, some interesting stuff. Many of them are foreign languages, some are stupid things, but others are pretty entertaining Hopefully all of you find this one at least mildly entertaining.

Last night, I came across one that was basically an ad for Cialis. You know what that is. Sort of like Viagra. I love the warnings they give. "If it lasts for more than 4 hours, please call your doctor"

Are they kidding me? Heck with the doctor, If I ever have one of those last more than 4 hours, I'm calling everyone I know After I call everyone else to brag, I'll call the doctor - for a refill.

Car Salesman Rant...

Ok, so I'm out killing a couple of hours on a Saturday. I've been kicking around the idea of getting a new car, but I have no idea what's out there, how much they cost, and what my suit the family. I headed out to the local Honda dealer since it's the closest to the house. Ok, I hate buying cars. I enjoy the game of negotiating, but some dealers are sort of pushy. You know the ones - more interested in selling you something NOW than you getting what you want.

Ok, at this dealer, I parked and there were about a half dozen salesman types hanging around the front of the dealership. Buzzards. I got out of the truck and headed out into the lot, hoping they might leave me alone. Nope, not this time. The guy comes up and starts all of the usual chit-chat. I cut him off and say something along the line of "I'm going to be completely honest with you now (something they clearly don't understand). I'm not buying today. I am thinking about a car, but just want to see what's out there, how big the front and back seats are, how big the trunks are, what features are available, etc." He says fine, and asks me how much money I want to spend. I repeated that I'm not buying, so cost is irrelevant at this point, I just want to look at the cars.

Man, these idiots are too busy working up their sales pitch to listen. All of the cars are locked, so he needs to get the keys to one to let me look in it. He comes back a few minutes later with the managers demo. Admittedly, it's a nice Accord with leather, V-6, all of the bells and whistles. I start to look around it and he insists on a test drive. What the heck, it's your time to waste. I drove it down the road and back, with him telling me all of the reasons I need to buy that particular car today. I repeat, I'm not a prospect today, I'm just looking here, and afterwards, I'll be looking at the offerings of 4 or 5 other brands. I also tell him that I might decide not to buy at all for another year.

Man, this guy is still not listening. We return to the dealership, and he proceeds to tell me all of the freebies on this car since it is the demo, and available at a great price. I get a little short with him and tell him that this car likely will be sold when I get around to buying - not for a few weeks if at all. All I really want is a brochure I can take home and stick in the bathroom, to be perused at my leisure later. Once inside the showroom to get a brochure, he keeps trying to get me into one of those negotiating rooms. I'm starting to get a little more short, and refuse. About that time, his manager comes out, to try to put the hard sell on me. I tell him I'm not buying today, and may not be buying at all, just out seeing what is available.

Now the kicker... The manager guy tells me that with the cost of gas, they likely won't have any cars to sell in another month. What? Yes, you better buy today, in another couple of weeks, we'll start running out and we'll be getting $1,000 over sticker, but today we can negotiate a little bit. Out of cars in a month? He expects me to believe that a dealership would let itself run out of cars? Jackass.

Well, friends, If (BIG IF) we decide to add a car to our family, I think it's safe to say that it won't come from this place.

Long, long ago, in a land far, far away...

I got one of those e-mails today that asks a bunch of random questions. One of the questions was something to the effect of where is the furthest place you have ever travelled. Man, the answer to that brings up probably the funniest travel story I have.

Back in 2002, the in-laws gave us an incredible Christmas present. They took Shelly and I, along with her brother and his wife to France for 10 days. They wanted us to see Paris with all of the Christmas lights up. I must say it was incredible. The trip involved a few days in Paris, a train ride to Strasbourg, and a couple of days back in Paris before returning home. While in Strasbourg, we thought it would be fun to go to Germany for the day. Perhaps we could go to a place with some mountains and see some good scenery.

Well, we headed down to the train station mid-morning, and proceeded to discuss our plans with the guy at the ticket window. Ok, we know very little French, and the ticket guy knows some English, so we might be able to make something work. Here's how it goes - Bro-in-law is our tour guide for the day. He's negotiating the tickets with the train station guy. He goes up there, discusses a destination, travel time, and price, then comes back to us. After a couple of back and forths, the ticket guy is getting a little impatient, and he's less willing to speak English. Oh, and we want to be back in Strasbourg by dinner time.

Finally, it is decided to head to Lahr, Germany. He tells us that we'll love it. It's very picturesque, with nice mountains and snow, and only an hour or so away by train (maybe 2 hours, it's been a couple of years). Ok, we hit the train, and we're off to see the German countryside. Well, we're riding this train, eagerly anticipating getting into some mountains, when we pull into a station and realize we are in Lahr. What the HELL? There are no mountains, and definitely no snow. We've ridden the train for a couple of hours to get to the German equivalent of BFE. Picture leaving Houston and taking the train to Jasper, only not as nice. Well, to be fair, Lahr did have a small hill. Very small. Man, that guy hosed us. Bad. We laughed our butts off about it. We even made up stories about what happened to the mountains (centuries of strip mining). Bro-in-law will never live it down. I even managed to find a Lahr ashtray on eBay to give him that Christmas (proof that eBay has EVERYTHING).

We get a good laugh about it every few months, but I bet the one that will never stop laughing is the train station guy. He probably wrote in his blog about the day he hose a crowd of Americans into paying a bunch of money for a train ride to BFE to see the pretty scenery. Touche, Frenchie. If you are ever in the USA, look me up. I'll show you the beautiful white sand beaches of Holly Beach, Louisiana, often referred to as the Cajun Riviera. You'll love it. Trust me.

More Matthew tricks...

Maybe we should take a trip to New York to appear on Letterman's "Stupid Human Tricks". I have fun teaching Matthew new tricks. I've already told about the "Impressive" deal, but here is one that is actually useful.

When walking in a parking lot, we always make sure to hold Matthew's hand to keep him from getting squashed by cars. That's fine and good, but what to do when you get to your car? I generally have one hand holding a pile of stuff, and the other holding his hand. I need one of those hands to get the keys out of my pocket and open the door. Purely by accident, we came up with this little trick. In order to keep him from running away, I started telling Matthew to put his hands on the side of the truck. One day, it hit me that I basically had him doing what cops have criminals do. Well, it took a little training, but now we have it down 100% of the time. When we get to the truck, I stop and say "Assume the position", and faces the rear fender and puts both hands on the truck until I tell him to get in the truck.

I know, it's terrible, but if he grows up to be a criminal, at least he'll know what to do. I must say, I do get some funny looks when I pick him up at daycare. Those people are probably beginning to think I'm nuts. Shelly tells me they are probably right.

Just watering the lawn...

I was awakened this morning by the sound of a diesel engine and airbrakes - close. Very close. Please don't let that be what I think it is... I got up and looked out the window, and it was a concrete pumper truck, along with at least a half dozen concrete mixer trucks. Crap. I guess the time is here. They are pouring concrete for "the road".

Our house is on a corner lot, with a dead-end street on the side. They have put up one commercial building behind us, and are building one more. Part of that project involves connecting our little dead-end street to the rest of the world. Not optimal... I've spoken with neighbors, the owner of the completed building, and the developer for the current construction - none of us want the road, but the city / county are requiring construction. We're in the middle of some appeals in hopes of having it remain closed, but in the meantime construction continues. The road is necessary for access to the new construction, but no one involved wants it open to through traffic, hence the appeals we are going through.

Back to this morning... A little after 6:00, Shelly got up and was looking out the window, and complained that at least a half dozen Mexicans were standing around in the rear of our side yard. Not on the sidewalk, but milling around in the grass. Ok, they weren't really hurting anything, but when they wake me up an hour before I normally get up... I did what anyone else would do in that situation. I got up, casually walked downstairs, went into the garage, and turned the sprinklers on. Yes, I could have gone outside and asked them to keep off the grass and keep the noise down a little, but I got the same results - without having to put on pants... Shelly said those guys scattered like ants when the water came on. It was her idea...

My thoughts on the matter? I have to let them do their work, but I don't have to make it easy for them. I wonder what else I can do to jack with them? Any ideas? (not willing to break the law or damage anything, just jack with the guys).

Maid Service...

Tomorrow is our twice monthly maid day. It was supposed to be last week, but we had it postponed until this week due to last week's little faux painting project. Maid day tomorrow meant one thing for today... clean up the house. What's up with that? Why in the heck am I spending my evening cleaning the house when we're going to PAY someone to come in and clean tomorrow? That's crazy. Basically I pay someone $75 or so to come in and clean 3 toilets, vacuum, change the sheets, and do a half-assed job of dusting. On second thought, I guess it's worth it. These are MY toilets we're talking about.

Dinner in a flash...

I came home from work today and finished mowing the yard. I started Saturday, but ran out of daylight and was only able to mow the front yard. Today I took care of the trimming and the back yard. After I finished, I started on my little rock project.

When we were at the ranch a couple of weeks ago, I loaded up my trailer with rocks. A few are pretty good size (70-80 lbs or so), but most are small flat rocks. I'm going to build a little wall around the edge of our flower beds by stacking them 3 or 4 high all around the border. Should be interesting since I dislike landscaping almost as much as I dislike painting.

While I was working in the flower bed, a pizza delivery guy drove up and walked up the driveway. I didn't order a pizza, and Shelly wasn't home yet. I told the guy I didn't order one, and he tells me maybe not, but someone ordered one from here. I look and see Shelly driving up the street, so I figure it must have been her. I paid the guy $21 - all of the cash I had, but he did get a $3 tip. I pick up my tools and go inside to eat. Shelly says "What made you order a pizza?"

You see where this is heading. I didn't order it, she didn't order it... Man, and I even tipped the guy. Well, the delivery consisted of 1 pizza and 2 paper bags. The pizza was a thin crust hamburger. Not bad, that's what we sometimes order. One of the bags had a salad with ranch dressing, the other had an order of chicken strips. SCORE!! I couldn't have ordered better myself. Now I have to wonder... Which of my neighbors spent the evening cheesed off at the pizza place? Maybe tomorrow night they will order General Tso's Chicken with a couple of egg rolls.

New Nephew...

Congrats to Brett and Kim (Shelly's brother & his wife). Today they welcomed a new little boy. He's a cute little bugger also - not sure how, but I'm sure he gets that from his uncle. Man, I'm an uncle again. Just a few years ago, there were no little munchkins in the family. Now I have 4 nephews and one niece. Hopefully everyone puts the brakes on soon, or we're going to go broke at Christmas time.

Matthew loves babies, and he was thrilled to see this new little guy, only about 7 hours old.

Now for something on the lighter side.

In a bind...

Ever get in a situation when nature calls at a most inconvenient time? And keeps calling... Like the phone keeps ringing, but no phone booth handy? I get in those situations every now and then. Usually it happens to me when I'm in the car and nowhere near friendly territory. I was thinking about a time several years ago when I was in a real bind...

I was in college and had just started dating a girl I had been scheming about for a while. We were both active in the BSU, and went to fall convention. The place was about 1.5 hours away, and she and 2 of her friends rode up there with me.

On the way home, it was dark and I got the low rumble of nature calling. Man, what an uncomfortable spot. I vented off some pressure. The first couple were fine, no harm, no foul, but then something happened. The "winds of change" started blowing out of the south, if you know what I mean. After apologizing profusely and rolling the windows down, I was thinking that I would likely end up single again after this trip. I needed to find an exit, but in this part of the state, there was NOTHING. I found an exit, but there was nothing but a country road, not even a grimy gas station. Oh, man, gotta vent a little more pressure. Oops, that one felt different... I had to stop NOW, the next one would definitely be the real thing... I saw a sort of a little road leading into the woods, so I backed in enough to be hidden from the road, opened the trunk, and was taking care of business behind the car. Thank goodness for that roll of paper towels in the trunk... From the car, I heard howls of laughter. I'm much too involved in this process to care much about what they find so funny.

A few minutes and a few false alarms later, I finally determine that I'm safe to continue the trip. The gang in the car is still laughing when I get back in. What's so dang funny? Well, it was the sign I inadvertently pulled in next to. It read "No Dumping". Of all the signs they could have put there... As a side note, I never did live that one down, but she continued dating me for another 3 or 4 years.

Songs stuck in your head...

Isn't it always the craziest song you end up with stuck in your head? For me, the music today is the old children's song "Head, shoulders, knees & toes (knees & toes). Head, shoulders knees & toes (knees & toes). Your eyes, your ears, your mouth, your nose. Head shoulders, knees & toes (knees & toes).

Man, I gotta listen to adult radio more often...

Happy Mothers Day, you old Motherf....

Title got you wondering? Well, you have to read the to the bottom to get the story.

Shelly and I worked pretty hard cleaning this weekend. We made significant progress. Katie, I'm proud to say that you and Trent will have a bed to sleep in this weekend that is free of random debris. We're still working on Luke's accommodations, but we still have a few days left, so he should be fine.

I dropped by NTB yesterday to see what it would cost for a new set of Michelin's on Shelly's truck. The sign out front said something about a Mother's Day sale, with up to 50% off. Well, the guy quoted me full retail. When I questioned him, he told me that it was a good deal on Michelin tires. What about the sale? I let him know that's the same price per tire listed on their website last week. Yep, that's one set he won't sell this month.

Today we went down to Mom and Dad's for lunch and a little Mother's Day visit. We had been seeing DQ advertising their cakes, and thought it might be good to pick one up and take it with us. We stopped at one by the house, and at 10:25, they were not open yet. Not a problem, we head down the road and stop at one on the other side of town. It's about 5 minutes until 11, and this one is closed also., but people are inside, so we wait. An Indian lady, in full lady from India garb comes out and tells us it will be 20 minutes before they open. Wow, most lunch places are open well before 11, but oh, well. I say we'll wait, we want to buy a cake. Guess what, no cakes here. All of this with an attitude that says go away you stupid American, you're bothering me

What is it with all of these places not wanting to sell you anything?

Anyway, we stop and pick up flowers (Shelly's idea, and a good call), then head down and have a nice day. My sisters kids are all rotten, poorly behaved, and look funny. Not really, but she reads this blog, so I figured I'd yank her chain a little. We all had a good time, and the kids all actually played quite well together (this time). The funniest story was when my sisters youngest, Allison the 3 year old, was in the kitchen. I couldn't see much since the bar was in the way, but I saw the pantry door open, then close. James (bro-in-law) headed in there to see what was up. About that time, the pantry door opens back up, and out comes Allison with hands full of little packages of fruit snacks, gummy bears, etc. I just thought it was pretty hilarious that to keep from getting completely busted for digging in the pantry, she has figured out how to go in there and close the door behind her, giving her time to make her selections (do her shopping?) before coming back out. Pretty slick. I guess having 2 older brothers has taught her a few things. Maybe she'll learn to stay in there long enough to eat the snacks she finds, then hide the evidence of empty packages. Bonus points for hiding the empties under her brothers beds.... I should mention that this pantry is huge and has a light in it. Seriously, it's bigger than your typical walk-in closet, and in typical grandma fashion, always full of goodies.

Afterwards, we went to church (we go on Sunday evenings), and then on to the in-laws house for dinner and visiting there. Surprisingly, not funny stories to share from there.

Now to the story about the title... 4 or 5 years ago, Shelly and I went to her parent's church one Mother's Day. Afterwards, we went to the grocery store across the street to get some rolls for lunch afterwards. This store is in the Heights ares, but on the north end, closer to 610. A sort of questionable area. Well, while we were in there, one old woman - likely one of the homeless types - with the gravely, smokers voice yelled out to another person "Happy Mother's day you old Motherf...." Now, I guess you just have to have witnessed it like I did, but that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard / seen. Consequently, I now wish my friend Tommy a happy Mother's day each year..... Because of that episode, I have to laugh a little each time I wish anyone a happy Mother's Day.

Nursing homes, crop dusting, and jacking with telemarketers...

Ok, so when you are married, have a 3 yr old, and both of you work, Friday nights are just like any other night, except you likely go to bed earlier and don't have to go to work the next day.

Shelly was going to pick Matthew up from daycare and drop in the see her grandmother at the rehab center. It's not a nursing home because grandma absolutely wouldn't agree to go to a nursing home... Hey, she's 90 or so, I guess you can get by with that.

Anyway, enough about that. Mother's day is this weekend, and Shelly was very subtle about what she wanted. She tore a picture of an under-cabinet TV, CD, DVD player deal out of the Target sale paper. She then left it on top of the stack of magazines in the bathroom. Just in case I might miss it, she told me it was there for me to peruse the next time I was in there gathering my thoughts. I'm not exactly Captain Obvious, so I appreciate the "subtle hint" every now and then.

Well, since she was visiting for a little while, I took the opportunity to hit Hallmark and pick out some cards, then on to Target for that gift. I shouldn't be allowed to run errands alone. I left with the item I went for, 2 laundry baskets, a DVD, and a few other random items. I also got a little bit of a laugh. I had a few rumblings below, so I found an unoccupied aisle, and did a little "crop dusting". Well, just as I'm exiting the aisle, I'm met head on by a man and his son, who looked to be 12 or so. Man, that's a rough spot to be in. Within seconds, they would enter the cloud, and there was no doubt who left it. I did what any self respecting guy would do... I made a couple of quick turns and got the hell out of that area. The funny thing was... The kid was wearing a UT Longhorns shirt. T-Sippers got what was coming to them.

OK, the phone rings just after I get home. It's an 866 number, so you have a pretty good idea what's about to happen. Most people would just not answer. I can't do that. I just can't seem to pass the opportunity to jack with the telemarketers. On the other end of the line there is a young woman's voice "Hello, this is **** calling on behalf of the Breast Awareness Foundation..." Sweet mannah from heaven, this one is going to be good... She continues "we are an organization committed to helping women maintain healthy breasts..." Well, finally a cause I can support... She continues "were seeking your help to provide as many breast exams as we can to women who otherwise could not afford them.." Do you see where this is heading? I tell her that I have a few extra hours on most Saturdays and would be happy to give a few exams to help out the cause. She hung up... Dang, I was looking forward to helping such a worthy cause.

I did have a good one last week. Someone called from one of those radio research deals and wanted me to participate in a survey. As a token of their appreciation, they would pay me a small sum - enough to buy a cup of coffee or a donut. "A" donut? Singular? I tell him my price is $50, up front, then I'll be happy to participate. "I'm sure that would be nice, but we aren't in a position to pay $50". We went back and forth a little arguing dollars and donuts, until he hung up on me.

I love telemarketers. I figure it's easier to handle them my way. Sure you can ask them to remove your name, but they never do. Jack with them a few times, and suddenly the calls are much less often. I sometimes have to wait weeks for another poor sucker to call me.

Well, it's late and I need sleep. Tomorrow is the big cleaning day. I'm sure there will be some amusing events to tell about.

My eyes, My eyes!!!

Ever see something you wish you hadn't? I'm not sure what made me think of this, it just came to me. I was pumping gas into my truck this evening, lamenting that there was not really anything noteworthy to blog about tonight (I've declared work subjects to be off limits, so that cuts out lots of possibilities). My mind was wandering back through funny moments in the last few weeks, when I thought back some scary sights we saw while on the trip to Dallas.

It was Sunday morning, as we were heading out of town. We stopped at Chuy's to meet the family for breakfast. Just as we parked the truck, there was a family getting out of their car in a spot just ahead and to the left of us. The daughter looked to be middle teens at most, and was pretty round for someone that age. She was wearing one of those dresses that are made for skinny people. It was sort of a loose fit and was barely longer then the bottom of her behind. Well, I notice that this girl reaches back and picks the drawers out of the crack of her big butt. I saw the WHOLE, nasty thing. Just as I was starting to gasp for breath laughing hysterically, point it out to Shelly, the girl decides she needs to get something out of the back seat of the car. My LORD, there it is again. Shelly just shakes her head. I couldn't stop laughing at seeing this HUGE BUTT in the middle of the parking lot.

Well, an hour later, we are heading for Burleson, and the truck needs gas (here's what made me think of it this evening). The little buzzer in the truck as telling me we had like 6 miles to empty, so I stopped at what turned out to be the exit for the Dallas Zoo. I pulled in to Mobil station and pumped about 28 gallons into the 28 gallon tank. When I got back in, we noticed a car at another pump. There was a VERY large black man leaning into his car to get something. His shirt ended mid-back, and his shorts were hanging BELOW his butt. OH, MY!! This is even worse than before. This guy didn't appear to be wearing drawers. How do you not know your ass is hanging out in the breeze? I think I'm permanently scarred.

Last one. I know I'm going to have eternal punishment over this one. About a year ago, I was in the cleaners, waiting to pick up my clothes. Ahead of me, there was a very large black woman. She was in some sort of dispute with the Oriental lady at the counter. This in itself is funny, because you will never win any sort of an argument with an Oriental person or black woman. I thought I might just get to witness a fight to the death Then, I noticed it. Sweet Jesus, this LARGE woman had her skirt tucked into the back of her drawers. I started giggling, then they turned around and glared at me. I murmured something about thinking of something funny from earlier. Man, I wish I had thought to click a picture with the cell phone, but I was too busy trying not to laugh. Perhaps I should have told the lady something about it... Hopefully she went home instead of going out to moon the whole Kroger store. of course, the first thing I did when I got back in the truck was to call Tommy, laughing hysterically.

If anyone ever reads this blog, care to comment on things you have seen that you wish you wouldn't have?

Reprieve!!!

I've been let off the hook. Last night, I felt bad about Shelly having to repaint the wall (back to blue) by herself while I goofed off with the blog deal. So, I went down there and helped. Just a little though. It is just as I remember it. I still hate painting.

This morning as were we going through our normal morning routine, I mentioned the next stab at faux painting. Apparently we are going to put off the next attempt until next month. YES!!! I must be living right. Instead, we'll spend the weekend (and likely every spare minute of next week) cleaning the house. Now, the house isn't dirty, it's just infested with a couple of people who have never been accused of being neatniks. Not even close.

My friend Katie and her family are coming in next weekend for best friend Tommy's son's 2nd birthday party. I invited them to stay in our guest room, which they accepted. One slight problem... Our guest room is hidden under a pile of debris. There is at least one full SUV worth of clothing that needs to go to the clothes closet we always donate to. Easy enough, just load it into the back and haul it down there. Not so fast, Buster...

I mentioned before that Shelly is an accountant (CPA, CFP, etc). That's not a clothing donation amassing in the other room, it's a charitable contribution, ie itemized deduction. All of that stuff has to be inventoried, put on a list, etc so we can claim it on next years taxes. Not a big deal? You forget something... I'm LAZY. Well, crunch time is here. These are my friends, I issued the invitation, so I better get in gear. Katie, I know you are reading this - I promise that I will at least have a narrow path to the bed cleared, and Shelly will make sure the sheets are clean. I can't promise anything about short-sheeting...

Faux Painting...

I hate painting. I especially hate faux painting. When there is painting to be done, I have "a guy". In this part of the world, when you have "a guy", it is generally someone from south of the border with a limited grasp of English. This guy happens to be legal and speaks decent English, he just doesn't do faux painting. He needs to learn faux painting... seriously.

Shelly never has been happy with our kitchen. In the beginning, the kitchen was the standard beige that all new houses are painted. You know what I'm talking about. They hit the whole inside of the house with the spray gun when it is being built, and all of the walls and ceilings are the same beige color. Slowly, but surely, my "guy" is changing that for us. Each year, we have a little more done.

But, back to the kitchen. Several years ago, Shelly decided that the kitchen needed to be blue. We have white cabinets, neutral Corian counter tops, and a white tile backsplash with dark blue tiles inset into it, so blue theoretically was a good color (Sherwin Williams Cobalt Blue) with the ceilings painted the standard white. Well, after the work was done, it was decided (not by me) that there was too much blue. The plan was to repaint the part of the wall above the cabinets, part of the entry from the garage, and the backside of the bar to a more suitable color. You guessed it, we chose a cream color. Wheat Sheaf to be more exact. Since we had just returned from a vacation and had had several rooms painted while we were gone, the budget to hire the work done was shot. No problem, I can knock it out. Well, it's not hard, but time consuming. With such a dark blue and going to a light color, you have to prime it - 2 coats. Then you have to paint it - 2 coats. Starting to get the picture? I just paid to have the room painted, now I've painted the dang thing again - 4 times!!

Fast forward to this week. It has been decided (again, not by me) that the blue in the kitchen is still too much blue. Too dark to be exact. Shelly is taking a couple of weeks off before starting a new job, so she wanted to try faux painting the kitchen. Fine by me, just leave me out of it. I sponge painted the downstairs restroom a couple of years ago and swore off that crap for good. I think I did a decent job, but I hated the stress of making it look 'just right".

Well, last Friday morning, Shelly hit Sherwin Williams armed with a few pics on the digital camera of the kitchen and the remainder of the can of cobalt blue paint. They set her up with $80 worth of paint, glaze, buckets, tape, sponges, and assorted what-nots, and just enough encouragement to get started. Monday was the big day.

Shelly worked hard on that wall on Monday, but was a little unsure of the results she was getting. I got home, and thought sh..(darn), that's not the look we were going for. We talked about some other ways it might be done, and Shelly started on the other end of the wall today trying a different method. Something about more glaze with less paint in the mixture, and a series of dry paint brushes to get a different look. Well, a long story shortened slightly, I picked up a fresh can of Cobalt Blue on the way home tonight and Shelly is downstairs now painting the wall back to the original blue color. I must say she is persistent. She plans to start the project over tomorrow. Tune in later to hear about the results. I sense that in the spirit of being a loving and supportive husband, I'm going to end up faux painting this weekend.

To Shelly's credit, this stuff is REALLY hard for those of us that are not artistically inclined. She is an Accountant, I'm an insurance guy - not exactly creative type careers. I tried a few things tonight with the paint, glaze, and sponges, and both looked like CRAP. That's all it took to make me fully appreciate her efforts the last couple of days. I should say that Matthew saw my effort, picked up a sponge, and actually did quite well - MUCH better than what I did. Maybe we should just get him to do it.

Dammit, Perfecto (my painter guy), you need to learn to faux paint...

Nintendo Wii

Tonight was guys night. On the first Monday night of each month, the guys in our Sunday School class get together for a little bit of male bonding. We typically order a pizza or 3 and either watch TV or play cards, domino's, or shoot the breeze for a couple of hours. Tonight, we all went to Roy's house. Roy's real name is Bill, but we call him Roy most of the time. I'll get to the name Roy in a little while.

Bill is on staff at our church and he borrowed a Nintendo Wii from another staff member so we could play it tonight. Ok, I'm typically as active as a 3 toed sloth after a heavy meal, but this was fun. There were only 5 of us, so we rotated around and played 4 player tennis. Imagine 4 guys between about 28 and 40, flailing arms wildly playing tennis in Bill's living room. It's a wonder we didn't break any lamps or other stuff he had in there. I give the Wii a thumbs up because you actually get a little exercise while playing a video game. I want one. Not bad enough to spend that kind of money on one, but I definitely want to play one again sometime.

ok, back to that Roy deal...

Ever had someone call you buy the wrong name? Did you correct them, or just let them keep calling you the wrong name because correcting them was awkward? Several weeks ago, we had a guys retreat at the ranch. While there, Bill led several short devotionals. During one of them, he kept calling my bro-in-law "Brent". Well, his name is really Brett. It's especially funny since Brett is also out Sunday School teacher and Bill knows his name, he just kept calling him Brent for some reason (old man syndrome?). Well, apparently Bill had the same problem with someone calling him Roy a while back, so we had a good laugh about it. We all shared our stories about people calling us by the wrong name, and most of us now have new names when we are together. My "other" name is Marty. I had someone call me Marty for months. I never did correct him...

The guys retreat was pretty wild. Some pics can be seen here http://picasaweb.google.com/ha.ministries/GuySWeekend?authkey=PTt0QyaoEVs

Finishing the vacation...

The ranch is a pretty special place to us. 4 or 5 years ago, Shelly's parents worked out a few deals and we now have a little over 500 acres of hill country property. We spend quite a few weekends and holidays there every year, and this year we decided to spend part of our vacation at the ranch. It's nothing fancy, but we do have a serviceable house and a few toys to keep us entertained while there. We also do quite a bit of hunting and hunting related activities there. You will read more about those as the year moves on.

Mark the cowboy...

At the ranch, there are many cows. One of the neighbors leases the grazing rights from us (he happens to be a descendant of the family who previously owned the ranch since the late 1800's). While Shelly, Matthew, and I were out riding the ATV's on Tuesday, we noticed a calf that was laying in the shade away from the herd. I thought there was nothing to it as the calves will usually lay off to the edge of the herd and sometimes seem to get a little distanced as the herd moves and they aren't paying attention. The thought was that the mother would miss it and they would catch back up soon. Well..., Wednesday, we were riding again and the same calf was in the same place, and looking pretty poorly (we thought he was dead at first), but he moved his head a little. We called the cattle owners and a couple of hours later, the husband and wife came out and picked me up to go show them where the calf was. Of course, last week was a week of near record rainfall at the ranch, and when they arrived a hellatious thunderstorm had just started. I put on my raincoat and jumped in the truck. The raincoat did no good. For those familiar with the ranch deal, the spot next to the door in a truck is the spot for the lowest ranking cowboy. This is the guy that has to get out in the rain and open the gate. I was that guy. (sidebar comment - there is an old country song about how to tell who the real cowboy in a truck is. It's the guy in the middle - he doesn't have to drive and he doesn't have to mess with the gate). We found the calf in the same spot I last saw him. The diagnosis was a broken hip. No wonder he couldn't get up and follow the herd. As the 3 of us stood there circled around this poor calf, with a torrential storm soaking us and lightening striking, we were contemplating what to do. I apparently earned the respect of the others and was told I was now a real cowboy. I was assigned the tail. My job was to grab the tail while the others grabbed other parts and we lifted the little guy into the back of the truck. They called a couple of hours later to tell me that the little calf should make it. She had taken a bottle and was looking a little more perky. Who'd a thunk it? Me, a cowboy... Next time I'm sitting in the middle.

Impressive...

Those that know me, know that I sort of never grew up (as evidenced by the short-sheeting and other things previously mentioned). Shelly proves often how special she is to put up with me.

I really enjoy this whole Daddy deal. I must say that I think I'm pretty good at it. Matthew seems to have a decent amount of respect for me and he seems to think I'm like a super hero. Not as big of a hero as Larry Boy (he has those Super Suction Ears), but a super hero of some level nonetheless.

I have taught Matthew many fun things. One of the life truth's is that the passing of gas is a humorous event. A good ripper commands a certain amount of respect from the crowd. Well, one of the things I'm teaching him is that upon passing a good one, those around are to respond by saying "Im-press-ive". He's getting good at it, and according to my friend Katie, extra credit is awarded for the multi-syllable words. Shelly realized how much of a losing battle she is in when we were all 3 laying in bed on our last morning at the ranch and I let a good one go. I said "Impressive", Matthew jubilantly echoed "IM-Pressive!!". Shelly started to protest by saying "No, that's terrible", only to be cut short my Matthew, who corrected with "No, Mommy, Im-Pressive!!" That's my boy. Shelly has threatened to remove her contact information from the daycare file so I will have to be the one to explain the humor in this to his teachers.

Well, it's been quite a while since the last entry, but much has happened. Grab a cold drink, pull up a chair, and enjoy the adventure...

Trip to Dallas and points beyond...

Friday before last, I loaded Shelly, Matthew, Bob, Larry, and a few other characters in the Expedition and headed to Dallas for the weekend. Cousin Eric and his fiancee, Morgan, came in from London for some pre wedding activities. My parents, sister, and her 2 youngest (of 3) kids met us there. Man, what a full weekend.

Friday night I joined Eric and several of his friends for the bachelor party. In the interest of protecting the innocent, there is really nothing of interest to report on this outing.

Saturday was a wild day. The women had a wedding shower for a couple of hours around lunch time, so Pops and I kept the 3 kids. We did what anyone would do in that situation, we drove around for a little while with the 3 kids buckled in their carseats, while they watched Dora on the dvd player. When it was time for lunch, we dropped into McDonalds. Man, the playgrounds in those places sure have come a long way since I was a kid. I remember that if you were lucky, the local McD's has a dinky merry-go-round and a Hamburglar and Grimace guy sort of deal mounted on a spring deal that you rocked back and forth on. These new ones have huge tube type deals that the kids enter and you see them through little windows. They can play for 30 minutes or more and seemingly not get bored with the deal. Who needs a backyard swing-set, just hit McD's and let the kids play in air conditioned comfort. Of course Pops and I keeping up with these 3 kids at McD's is like herding cats I have to tell on myself. Although Matthew is almost 3, I made a rookie mistake. Matthew was drinking water and juice all morning, but I neglected to change the diaper. I guess it's a guy deal in that if we don't smell any foul odors coming from the kid, we're good to go. Well, as we were about through eating, I noticed the little guy 's shorts were wet.. He's still in diapers, so you see where this is headed. I grab the guy and pull him out of the high chair, get the diaper bag, and head for the restroom. Well, McD's is kid friendly, but not daddy friendly. No changing table in the restroom. Plan B, head to the truck and change on the backseat. Man, Mom's sure do make this deal of carting the kids around town look easy...

Ok, that deal over, Pops and I load the kids back in the truck, turn on Dora again and head back to the hotel. The women will be back soon, and we think we smell an aroma from my sister Staci's youngest. We do what any guy would do, we parked in the parking lot and let the kids continue to watch the movie until the wives return, then play dumb about any diapers that need changing.

Saturday night was a big party consisting of wedding party folks, and hosted by some of my Aunt and Uncle's best friends. The party was at some of their good friends house in an upscale gated neighborhood in McKinney. It was great as house parties go. They had catered in BBQ and Mexican, and they also had a grill going with Brat's and some sausage from LaGrange. What a feast. It was nice to see these people again. Eric and I have quite a bit of fun together. We are the only 3 guy cousins on that side of the family, so we share a sort of a bond. Well, when we get together, some level of pranking us usually involved. As the evening went on a little, everyone was getting settled into visiting around at different points around the house. Eric and I (and Shelly - much to our surprise) snuck upstairs and located Pat & Paul's bedroom (the hosts), and short-sheeted their bed. Juvenile? Yep, and quite hilarious given the targets. Man, this is almost too easy. Next, we moved to one of the guest rooms. Ok, keep in mind that all of the guest rooms will be occupied by the 4 couples that are throwing the party (all close friends of my aunt & uncle). We have no idea who is staying in which room, so we figure it is pot-luck, with any the other 3 being suitable targets. We complete the task with lightening quick precision, and head back downstairs to re-join the party. Man, it's hard to keep a straight face when you are leaving and thinking the hosts for such a wonderful party knowing that in another hour or so they will get the business end of a good pranking.

Sunday morning we checked out of the hotel and met the family for breakfast at Chuy's. According to my aunt & uncle, they were the recipients of the guest room short-sheeting. Score!! Eric and I will have to be on out toes for the wedding weekend in June. It seems that we have a few people that have sworn revenge on us. I'll be sure to keep you posted on that...

After breakfast, we headed down to lunch with some of Shelly's friends in Burleson, and then continued on to the ranch for a few days of vacation

On the way to the ranch...

Shelly thought it would be fun to take a trip through Crawford to see where Pres Bush has his ranch. We didn't find the ranch, but we did find the Crawford Peace house. That is apparently the place where that gang of miscreants heads up their mis-guided rants against all things related to patriotism. We also saw the land that their leader (name intentionally left out, but you know who I'm talking about) has apparently purchased and set up some sort of a mock graveyard with little white crosses. It was a real shame that if they were going to go to all that trouble they wouldn't go to the trouble of actually moving the grass. The place looked terrible. Seeing how she claims it is a memorial to her son, you would think she would at least make sure the place looked well-kept.

At the ranch...

We did just what most people do on vacation. Nothing in particular. I took Matthew for a ride on the tractor, and we knocked over a cedar tree. We were going to ride the bull-dozer, but when I cranked it up, he found it a little scary, so we scrapped that idea. Yes, I do know how to operate the dozer. I read the manual on Monday ;-).

I think it was Monday afternoon that we took Matthew over to the Topsey Exotic Ranch. The place is just a couple of miles from our ranch, and it is a pretty neat deal. You pay your money and drive through the deal with little bags of food to feed the animals. Man, those animals know the drill. You stop the truck, and they swarm the truck. There was a Shetland pony and a cow that were a little too forward about it. I'll post pics when I get them off of the camera. I didn't know a cow could reach his head that far into the truck. Had to move on from that spot... Sidebar comment about the animals... They did have all of the usual exotics (ostriches, zebras, axis deer, camels, etc.) I only mention this because I know some of the smart-alecs (Tommy) will comment on the above mentioned horses and cows on an exotic ranch...

There are a few other adventures, but it's getting late and I'll have to post them tomorrow night. There will definitely be a few more funny Matthew stories coming up.